I think it’s safe to say that many (most?) of us, regardless of age, family situation, or profession, are feeling burned-out. The last two years have been exhausting, and while life seems to be heading back toward “normal,” things just feel off. Some things will just never be what they were, and every day, there’s some new reason to worry, whether it’s real, overblown, or imagined: droughts, wars, gas prices, food prices, vaccine mandates, government overreach, Kanye…

It’s easy to wish someone would just fix everything for us. However, at work and at home, I’ve come to realize that no one can fix anything for you without your cooperation. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve listened to complaints and offered the exact response I was told would solve everything, only to be told it’s all wrong. (And that was just 6th grade math homework.) I’ve listened to concerns, wracking my brain for solutions and coming up empty–and feeling that I’ve failed my colleagues. Daily. As a person who is solution-oriented, goal-oriented, a planner and a worrier, a wannabe leader, it’s demoralizing. And of course, as one does when one is the independent, fix-it type, I began to put all the blame on myself. I’m not good enough, I’m not trying hard enough, why do I mess everything up… I wanted to just give up. And then…then I noticed it was coming out at my daughters. Just the way they say kids hold it together in public and unleash on their parents at home because it’s their safe place, I saw that I was doing the same.

And I knew I had to do something different.

I had an oncology appointment in December where we discussed notes on some sleep difficulties I’ve had ever since chemo. I’m participating in a study through UB, although not finding a solution. I was constantly waking up with hot flashes, caused by the medication I now take daily as part of my treatment. So the doctor suggested a medication that can be really effective, and I was on board immediately. Then, she asked me about the notes regarding mood and a suggestion by the nurse overseeing the study that perhaps I could have some anxiety. I bristled–but chose honesty–and told her about how angry I’d been at myself and how easily set off, especially at home. She gently explained that the medication she suggested for hot flashes is actually an antidepressant that works well on anxiety. Instantly, I didn’t want it anymore. But I stopped myself. I told her what I was thinking and in expressing it, realized I was willing to take medication for a physical issue, but the same medication somehow became unacceptable when targeting a mental/emotional one. In a (rare) moment of emotional maturity, I admitted that seemed really, really stupid, and I took the prescription.

My very wise doctor knows, though, that medication is only one tool and, taking advantage of my fleeting moment of receptivity, she also offered a referral to a therapist who specializes in work with cancer patients. “But I’m not a cancer patient, not anymore,” I responded. She looked at me and said, “Kerry. You will always be a cancer patient. And I don’t think you ever processed what you’ve been through.” Ouch. Yep. So I took the number and went on my way.

I really didn’t want to call, but I couldn’t solve this by myself. The medication did make an immediate difference. The hot flashes were gone, and my fuse grew longer. But I knew she was right, so I called and I started seeing a psychiatrist. There. I said it. Some friends have recently talked about and posted about taking care of their mental health, noting that they hoped it would encourage more people to do the same. And it worked on me, ladies, so thank you. I have a lot to learn, but it’s helping to get an outside perspective.

With my doctor’s guidance, I discovered was that I was lacking a sense of purpose and taking too much responsibility for things that aren’t mine. I learned about how my problems with focus are connected to feelings of burnout, and now that I’ve learned about “doom piles,” WOW. I see myself a lot more clearly. Have I fixed everything? Absolutely not, but you can’t fix anything when you don’t see the problem. It’s a humbling experience for someone like me, but I am a person who believes that hard work and discipline can create change, and now I have a map to get where I want to be, and even to enjoy the messy process of getting there.

I started to think about how I could make changes in myself, and I wondered if there was a way to offer some kind of service to others in an effort to have some small influence on the world around me. I started offering yoga classes, made possible in part by my father and sister generously allowing me to use a space above their office. I’ve enjoyed creating sets and playlists and decorating the space. Even more rewarding is seeing the same people week after week, having them respond eagerly to new offerings, seeing them progress (and myself, too), laughing and trying new things together, even when we might look silly or fall out of a balance pose, or take a modification, or say, “Nope, not trying that one.” I think (and hope they agree) it’s a fun place to be, a treat for the body and soul, and I’m so grateful for the connections I’m building there, in my community.

My other idea was to start a little book club for people in my school. It’s a small and diverse group, and we’ve only met once so far, but I’m so happy that, when presented with maybe an odd little invitation to read a book with me and connect outside of school, several people thought to themselves, “Yes. I want in on that.” In fact, one colleague, at the end of our first meeting said, “I just want to say, I’m proud of you for doing this. It isn’t easy to put yourself out there.” Aside from the fact that of course, everyone loves to have someone say they’re proud of you, even better for me was this little spark of hope that maybe other people will be encouraged to do the same. Maybe it’s not a book club, just some small thing to bring people together as humans rather than job titles, to connect rather than commiserate. Most of all, it’s the idea that it doesn’t have to fix everything or make everyone happy (like either is even possible); it just needs to be one little step in the right direction.

All of this is to say, if you’re unhappy with how things are going or the culture of wherever you are, don’t wait for someone else to fix it for you. What are you doing about it? You don’t need the answer to make some small change that could inspire others to do the same. Even just offering encouragement to another’s endeavor, or joining in sometimes, can help. And if it doesn’t, no matter. It doesn’t detract from you or your attempts to make your world a little brighter, even if it’s only for yourself. A happier you does a lot of good for everyone, too, so start small.

And feel free, not if but when I appear to have forgotten this very sage wisdom, to remind me of it: “Psst, remember that blog post you wrote? Maybe reread it?” I’ll need it. I’m a lot of things, not all good, but at the core, I’m just plain human and I’m not fixed, but I’m working my way toward doing better.