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I went for my fourth (of six) round of chemotherapy today. My blood counts were good enough to proceed, but I was surprised to see how they have fallen. I really felt like in the last few days, I was back to 100%, just out of shape, but the numbers say otherwise. Anyway, I’m more than halfway now, I’ve had help when I’ve needed it and sometimes even when I didn’t, and I’m doing okay. It’s been a lot more unpredictable than I had imagined it would be–sometimes I wake up feeling fine but suddenly crash; other times I start out rough and then find a burst of energy. How I feel one day seems to have little to do with how I feel the day before or after, and I’m not awesome with unpredictability outside of work, where unpredictability is a given, especially now.

But I’ve got a Roomba now. (Actually, it’s a Goovi, but if I’d called it by its name, you’d be Googling it now.) So far “Monk” (named for the TV show character–Google that instead) has gotten a TON of cat hair, Cheerios, apple stems and seeds, a few beads, band-aids, and a mood ring Stella lost almost a year ago. It’s amazing how such a small thing can make such a big difference. I’m sure it doesn’t do the same job as a regular vacuum, but it sure as hell cleans better than good intentions do, so it’s a win. Guilt gone.

I’ve also been ordering from a local restaurant, Central House, weekly ever since they started their service. They haven’t reopened, but they sell bags of produce, casseroles and meals in 9-inch pans, salads, soups. It’s food I feel good about serving when I’m too tired to cook. I’ve also received gift cards to local restaurants; Stella has developed a real love of Marco’s subs, and Molly considers their wings the gold standard. And I love the California chicken pizza at John & Mary’s, too. I also kept my cropshare at Hen-Hawk, so every week I get a bag of fresh produce for us to enjoy, and sometimes I’ll splurge on the delicious treats they also sell at the stand. I’ve received trays and platters of food, jars of sauce, a giant coffee cake…So the point is, we’re well-fed here. I don’t cook every day anymore, but I don’t feel one bit guilty about it, either.

People have been incredibly giving and sweet and supportive–far beyond what I expected. I’ve received so many cards, scarves, hats, gift cards, lotions, cups/mugs, a shirt, jewelry, coloring books (sweary ones!), inspirational books, blankets, socks, and more supportive texts, emails, and messages than I can count. Along with feeling so very grateful, I often feel guilty about all of it. I’ll make a full recovery–I have never had reason to doubt that. It’s not the case for everyone. I guess that’s what you call survivor’s guilt. (Leave it to me to experience that before I’m even done with treatment. 🙄) However, I remain extremely grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life and community.

Speaking of community, someday my girls will realize how lucky they are to grow up in a neighborhood like this one. Ever since the weather turned decent this spring, they have roamed the neighborhood with the other kids and without much worry on my part, or the other parents’ parts (I asked). We all worked mainly from home during the spring and early summer, so the kids have been allowed to hop from yard to yard, pool to pool, a pile of bikes and scooters and helmets in a driveway indicating where best to find them. One family got a new pool this summer, so the novelty of ours wore off after that, and the girls have spent a lot of time there and on their bigger playground. I’ve felt guilty allowing it, but I’ve told my friend to send them home when they get to be too much, and as she is a teacher, I know she can set that boundary and deliver it kindly.

I’ve taken a bunch of naps while the beasties play outdoors, or other days, while they watch too much YouTube or play Roblox on their tablets. I feel guilty leaving them to themselves or to the other neighborhood parents, but I remember plenty of days growing up on Dartmouth Ave in Buffalo (until fourth grade) when we ran the neighborhood just like that. And it was a great way to grow up. Less guilt. I also remember summers where my sisters and I literally watched the same movies every day. They’ll correct me if I’m wrong, but I think it was Mary Poppins and Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Was there another? Anyway, we turned out fine(ish). Less guilt. Plus, when my girls play online games, they often call their cousins or friends, and it’s actually a lot of fun listening to them play together. Even less guilt.

Both of my kids’ grandmas have taken them overnight to give me some more solid rest, too. As a kid, I often went to stay with my grandparents for a week or longer in the summer, and I loved it. I love it even more now that they are gone. We didn’t even go a lot of places, though we usually went shopping and out to lunch, took long walks in the woods, picked TONS of berries, and once we even went to Enchanted Forest. Just sitting around watching TV or playing games or doing whatever craft I was into that year–cross-stitch or paint by number or latch hook, as I recall–just doing them at their house was somehow different and special. So I’m grateful my girls get to see their grandparents so much more often and no, I don’t feel guilty about that, although I don’t often accomplish much while they are gone, but I guess that’s the point.

Anyway, we’ve all survived the spring and summer. (Well, some of my plants have bit it early because I forget to water them. And my lawn is brown. So. Very. Brown.) But the kids are good, even playing field hockey once a week, which comes with its own concerns (but that’s another post), the cat is good, though she still hates Monk, and I’m okay. I continue to be grateful that, in its own way, the timing of all of this has worked in my favor but that, too, brings guilt when I see how the pandemic and resulting closures have hurt so many. But I remind myself, it’s not like I’m profiting here; it just doesn’t suck having to deal with cancer as badly as it may have in a different kind of year. So yeah, less guilt.

I’ll have to write another post analyzing myself and all this guilt (and don’t get me started on the back to school stuff, ugh), but I know I’m not alone. That helps. Less guilt. Thanks for reading, and thanks again for all of your support; it is so very appreciated.

K